tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-70820103387866765172024-02-08T07:05:44.961-08:00Aspie streamsCalliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.comBlogger38125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-397480192720826012013-09-22T17:27:00.001-07:002013-09-22T17:27:46.249-07:00Thrilled....Not.So...I finally finished my degree, and was awarded a BSc First Class Honours, and am totally thrilled about that! (That's my first lie of the day by the way! Thrilled is not how I'm feeling at the moment, it's just my kneejerk reflex whenever I get congratulated).<br />
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I've had a few weeks off before I'm due to start my first job as a nurse, and have noticed how dependent I have become on my coping mechanisms over the last year and a half or so. I've always been an obsessive reader, but it's gone to another level now. I'm very withdrawn when I don't actually have to be out of the house seeing other people, it's like I'm so overwhelmed by the stuff that I'm doing to be successful at my course, on work placement, and seeing family, that when I'm at home, I don't even want to think for one minute about how I'm doing, or be aware of myself.<br />
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I'm pretty sure I'm depressed, in the sense of having an anxiety disorder, something I was diagnosed with a few years ago. Even when I'm on my own at home,while the kids are at school, something which has hardly happened for years, I don't want to leave the house, or preferably my bed.<br />
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I'm having tests for chronic pelvic pain, which comes and goes regularly, and varies from mild to severe, and my jaw problems have returned, due to nighttime toothgrinding and daytime jaw clenching.<br />
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I have a feeling I should be doing something about all this, at least I have finally tackled the pain issues, which I suspect are stress-related. But the mood stuff, I just don't want to go there. I know when I think about it that the low mood is preventing me from asking for help. I have had lots of counselling in the last 15 years, most recently I did start counselling about 3 years ago, after my self-diagnosis of autism, once the kids were diagnosed and it was crystal clear that I also had it.<br />
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I wanted to talk through some stuff about being autistic and how it's affected me throughout my life. The counsellor had a different agenda, to do with short-term fixes, and indicated that obsessing about the past was not productive. I suppose that ideally I would like to go back to a Jungian therapist, and explore how I deal with being autistic on a daily basis, and the shame that I feel around my difficulties, and concealing these in the workplace. <br />
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Another classic quote from a mentor I had in the workplace:<br />
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"I don't understand it, you're fine when you're working with me, but with other people, you just seem to put their backs up."<br />
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When being supervised by people who work with people for a living, it's difficult, I pass for normal most of the time, but people find it hard to understand my inconsistencies, brilliant at some things, but startlingly bad on occasion at other things. I take longer to learn things than other people, but once I have it, I never forget it. I get very anxious if I feel somebody is close to spotting my autism. I had real difficulty with a nurse I worked with briefly who had an autistic child. She massively objected to me and tried to get me thrown off the course. I don't think she knew what it was, but there was something about me that just drove her crazy.<br />
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I think my personal tutor has sussed me out, she more than anybody has seen my inability to fill in an attendance form correctly (too impatient), and my written work being sometimes below what she knows I'm capable of (same thing), while I can convey my knowledge and passion on unlimited topics verbally for hours, no problem. <br />
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So the course is over, but now I have to take my autistic tendencies and my anxiety into the real workplace, and deal with all the NHS bullshit that I have managed to avoid up until now by dint of not being employed by them! Needless to say, the prospect of 'passing' as normal, long-term while surrounded by empathetic and observant women, is quite scary.<br />
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Hopefully I will continue to get away with brilliant and eccentric, and occasionally surprisingly clueless. There's enough of us out there! In the meantime, I have to come to terms with the question of anti-depressants or not again. I couldn't take them during the course, as they fry my brain too much to manage all the coursework. But I think I could manage to work while taking them, I did it before. While I'm reluctant, I think I need help digging my way out of this ditch I'm in. Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-4678925763519165442013-03-31T10:50:00.003-07:002013-03-31T10:50:44.153-07:00So...I've been reading lots of Sherlock fanfic, in fact, quite obsessed with it (surprise, surprise!). It's been really interesting reading different writers' take on Sherlock's apparent social difficulties. Some follow the BBC Sherlock suggestion that he has Aspergers, as voiced by John and Lestrade in Hound of the Baskervilles. Others focus on his self-defining as 'high-functioning sociopath' in the first episode. However, the sociopath diagnosis has some serious problems with it, mainly because his whole character arc through both series has been about us gradually seeing Sherlock coming to terms with his emotional needs and consequent vulnerability.<br />
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It's great to see yet another brilliant TV character who appears to be autistic, and is living life to the full, regardless of how other people react to his frequent episodes of social blindness. I wish that I was a consulting detective sometimes, so that I could do the same, open up my naturally flamboyant nature to its full measure, and say "Fuck it" about anybody who's offended. He's lucky to have John Watson who finds him brilliant and amazing, but it's noticeable that he's single.<br />
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In fanfic world, his infuriating habits and obsessive behaviours just make him more adorable, more amazing, more brilliant. Sadly, in real life, not wanting to talk to anybody for days on end, because you're obsessed with something, doesn't go down well, especially if you have children. I've been in that kind of headspace for the last three weeks, in the last year of my course, and just wanting it all to be over, trying to get my studying done, and just wanting everybody to get lost, so I can have some peace and quiet, to soothe my stress levels a bit.<br />
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I've been getting zonked in fanfic, as an escape from real life. Reading has always been my favourite way out of my head, where I can completely forget who and where I am. I read extremely fast, (hyperlexia) and can spend easily 14 hours a day reading when I'm trying to get out of my head. I am aware that this is not 'normal' behaviour, and probably is turning into an addiction, more than a coping strategy.<br />
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I have always been very careful about letting my addictive personality out to play, I became addicted the first time I fell in love, which was a cautionary tale. Since then I have pulled back on relationships, so I can stay in control. I never use illegal drugs, after using them for a long time, and finding that even supposedly soft drugs generated addictive tendencies. Even over the counter painkillers are a temptation for me, and benzos in particular are problematic.<br />
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Is there a connection between autism and addiction? I feel there must be some crossover between obsession/addiction, please comment if you have a view on this, I'm sure I'm not the only autistic person who has these kinds of issues.<br />
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<br />Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-25218573057694249312012-03-19T14:39:00.000-07:002012-03-19T14:39:05.347-07:00Parents' evening - one year on... Tissues readySo... Pippi has a new teacher, as her previous teacher, who was fabulous, left to take up a headteacher position.<br />
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Went to parents' evening last week, and was so depressed afterwards, couldn't even blog about it. Basically, the first words out of her mouth were "I don't like labelling kids, I just like to meet them where they are." OK, fine. But I would like to let her know that Pippi is starting to display higher levels of anxiety at home, and that I think this is related to her difficulties with social skills, mainly in the playground. She loves school, and is always happiest in structured activities.<br />
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I get the beginning of this out, but she interrupts and says "Well, all girls find that sometimes, don't they, it's difficult getting along with other girls." I continue to try to explain, and we end up in a cycle where she keeps saying the same thing, and basically cutting me dead every time I try to explain what I'm talking about. When I mention Pippi's language difficulties, for which she's been receiving intensive speech therapy for the last 18 months she says "speech therapy?" in a tone which leaves me in no doubt that she had no idea this was happening.<br />
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It finishes with me saying "I know that all kids have difficulties sometimes, but for Pippi, this is not a sometimes thing. It's an everyday, every playtime thing, it's her life all the time. She really needs some help with social skills, I would really like it if we could work something out for her." She kind of nods.<br />
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And then we leave. DH is a bit disturbed by the fact I kept interrupting her, and wouldn't let her talk. I'm too angry to even argue with him.<br />
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Anyway, a few days later, we were back in school for Lucas' parents' evening meeting. Down the corridor was Pippi's new teacher, and she beckoned DH over, I was holding on to Pippi as we waited for our meeting. When DH came back, I asked him what she had said.<br />
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"Oh yeah, she said she felt really bad after our meeting, she felt she didn't know enough about autism and Aspergers. So she's been on a course, and now she knows a bit more about it."<br />
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So we met with the SENCO, which was our next meeting, and she confirms, like it's no big deal, "oh yes, Ms X has been on a course on autism this week, she's got lots of new ideas on ways she can work with Pippi on her social skills, she's very excited about it."<br />
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Lump in my throat. This truly is an amazing school. Pippi is a lucky girl.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-72123418785844607832012-01-06T11:56:00.000-08:002012-01-06T11:56:49.734-08:00Putting Pressure on myselfSo... I woke up this morning and couldn't get out of bed. I was suddenly full of stress about this seminar I'm in the middle of preparing, my brain was pumping out various different scenarios about what bit of the work I needed to do the minute I got out of bed, and I just froze.<br />
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This happens sometimes, used to happen a lot more, and it's usually when I've been putting unrealistic expectations on myself, e.g. I will do 10 hours work a day for the next 4 days without a break. Then I kind of burn out and anxiety takes its toll.<br />
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I eventually got up, and immediately began to eat for England, and compounded that by digging out a library book I hadn't read and completely lost myself in it. (Even though it was really badly written!) I didn't come out of this until 3pm when dh went to do the school run. I finished the book, and looked up, and suddenly realised that the feeling I was feeling was fear. That was what was paralysing me. Quite often I don't go outside myself to look at what's going on, it's something I need to do more of. Once I realised that it was fear of not finishing the work that was paralysing me, I immediately made a cup of tea and went upstairs and sat down on the big computer and started pulling my research together.<br />
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Seeing the fear as not based in reality just made it evaporate. I've proved to myself that if I just put my head down and keep doing the next one task and the next one task, I will eventually finish the piece of work, without any panicking or last-minute stress being necessary.<br />
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In my first degree (when I was much younger), I had no idea about my Aspergers, and was living in a chaotic, confused, and often drunken state, I struggled to undertake any work at all, and was very unhappy. I had the constant suspicion that I didn't understand what was going on around me (I was right). I was also horrendously bullied, which I hadn't expected at Uni, I thought that was school stuff, and people would be more mature.<br />
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Thank god I'm in my forties. Thank god my kids got diagnosed with Aspergers, allowing me to walk the path to self-diagnosis. I love being this age and actually understanding what's going on around me, being able to own my own shit and disown everybody else's.<br />
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Life is good.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-32250991011159127912012-01-05T15:22:00.000-08:002012-01-05T15:22:25.072-08:00Writing - A Very Aspie ObsessionSo...been thinking about writing and how important it is for me, I suppose it's a way of making sense of the world, and a way to connect with other people without having to consider their needs overly much (!).<br />
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It's just a magic combination, aspie, special interest and keyboard. The need to get stuff out of my brain is on occasion, quite overwhelming. I have always been an obsessive list-writer, and advance planner, and loved creative writing in school. Once I had graduated, I missed the academic writing, and eventually turned to lobbying to get my writing fix, lots of press releases and more strategies, tactics, planning etc.<br />
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For me, a lot of writing is about problem-solving, it's not enough to just get my thoughts down on paper, there has to be flow, and plot, and entertainment value. And there is the editing process, which is so vital, and so difficult.<br />
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Since the very beginning, this blog has been a start-to-finish writing exercise with no editing allowed, except backspace to correct misspellings. Don't ask me why it's like that, my aspie mind just generates rules sometimes. My last big project was my novel, and that was all about re-reading and editing, and plot control. Now that I'm studying again, my writing isn't so much fun, there are other people's rules to learn, like scientific referencing, and basing everything on research. But there does come a point where it's all about flow, that's my favourite part, where it all comes together and starts to read like there's an argument to be had.<br />
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I'm noticing that a lot of the adult aspies that I'm following on Twitter are writers, whether for fun or publishing, there's a big interest in language, correct use of, and language, silliness around. I do so love that aspect of it, as well as the 140 character rule, it's so arbitrary, I can really relate.<br />
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What does cause this obsessive interest in language and writing that so many aspies share? Is there an over-development in language areas of the brain that corresponds to damage in other areas? I'm almost over-sensitive to language, if I see an ugly phrase, or a misspelled word, I will mentally shudder. I can spot a misspelled word at 20 paces. I'm also a really fast reader, I seem to read a page of text more as a picture than as a collection of individual words. I don't know if that's what they call eidetic memory. If I read something more than twice, the actual phrase lodges in my brain quite thoroughly.<br />
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But I haven't really found the optimal use for these skills, I don't want to do editing work, I'm more creative than that, novel-writing or academic writing is probably the best idea. After I finish my degree, I have a resolution to find ways to use my writing skills productively (and for cash!)Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-31621580170482570572011-12-14T12:56:00.000-08:002011-12-14T12:56:26.061-08:00Aspie in the closet - unknowable consequencesSo... I was having a chat in the staffroom with the only other person present a couple of days ago, and I was talking about my two kids, their autism and the challenges that's causing towards the end of term, with excessive tiredness, and pressure around school plays/carol concerts as well as general Christmas anxiety (am I going to get the present I really really want?). In my defence, the day before had been very tough, and had resulted in a big row between myself and dh, and I was feeling quite vulnerable.<br />
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But at some point in the conversation I realised that I was getting carried away and was about to start talking about my own autistic traits. I did mention one before I caught myself and got up and made myself a cup of tea, and changed the subject.<br />
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I'm going to blame a cup of caffeinated coffee I'd had in a meeting that morning, caffeine has a very powerful effect on me, making me hyper, sociable and very chatty. This is not a natural state for me, and I find it difficult to control once I get started. I know that when you stop taking any kind of drug and then have a little, it has a disproportionately strong effect, same with alcohol and cigarettes. I've been off the caffeine for a few years now, and generally feel better for it, but visiting people can be difficult. It's hard to bring your own decaf teabags out without looking rude!<br />
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For quite long periods of my life now, I forget about my aspie status, and start to believe I'm quite normal, then something suddenly reminds me. My big struggle at the moment is with my self-limiting preference to spend time alone, at the expense of my family, and especially my kids. I feel so guilty when I come home totally peopled out and just want to sink onto the sofa and watch TV without talking to anybody. I am trying harder than ever to do better at being a parent even when I'm shattered.<br />
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This is the stuff that's floating around my head when I'm talking about my family, and if somebody asks questions and shows an interest in the autistic side of things, I'm so grateful for the opportunity to actually talk about it in real life, and not on Twitter (lol) that I get carried away. Especially because it's a huge special interest as well!<br />
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In the end, I have to remember that not everybody has my best interests at heart. I need to protect myself, because once I get out of that closet, there's no getting back in, and the consequences are unknowable.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-67336575670671389252011-12-13T12:51:00.001-08:002011-12-13T12:51:36.752-08:00Long may it last...So...bit of a sad day today at work, a lovely lady that I've been looking after for 5 weeks on and off, had a scan yesterday for possible recurrence of pneumonia, and they found cancer just about everywhere.<br />
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She doesn't even know yet, her family is coming in tomorrow once the specialist has had time to review her scan, and they will be all told together. She has absolutely no idea, we just did her home visit recently, with a plan to discharge her soon.<br />
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I also heard a really upsetting story today at the team meeting about one of our patients and how they came to be in hospital after an overdose.<br />
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I came out of work today in overload with too much running round in my head. I was lucky that I was leaving at the same time as one of my fellow students, and was able to offload slightly with her, it always helps to debrief slightly. I've no idea how the nurses cope with this kind of upsetting news, I had to go in the toilet to cry, and was nearly in tears all afternoon. I know I won't be telling dh about any of this, it doesn't feel right to add to his load of stuff he's carrying around at the moment.<br />
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So I'm sharing on here, where I can moan and nobody is going to tell me to shut up (I hope).<br />
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When I look at the elderly people on the ward, I think about my parents, and hope that they never end up in hospital. Not that the staff on the ward are bad, in fact I've been impressed by their professionalism and efficiency. But it's so awful to be living long-term in such an impersonal place where you have to adhere to somebody else's routine and live in a clinical setting, with blue paper curtains, and people with dementia in the same bay as you, getting upset and shouting. And while the staff are efficient, they are always thinking about the next job, as they put you on a bedpan or change your sheets. They're always in a hurry, and don't have the time to spend chatting to make people feel more at home.<br />
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These may sound like small things, but the great thing about being a student is that I don't have a 'to do' list in my head, and I can find time to chat to people and get to know them, so I can treat them as individuals. The ladies I've been looking after said today that they were sorry I would be finishing on Thursday, because "You're the only one with any patience".<br />
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My Mum is 76 and my Dad is going to be 78 in January. They're both currently in pretty good health. Long may it last.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-5435429123454662512011-11-23T14:21:00.000-08:002011-11-23T14:21:25.151-08:00Sorry, bit of a rant tonight! OT has upset me...So... spent considerable time yesterday with a close friend, whose child has been diagnosed with dyspraxia nearly a year ago. Since then they have moved house, and 'all of a sudden', there are all these social deficits becoming apparent.<br />
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She had a Parent's meeting at the new school, he started about 6 weeks ago, and found out he has begun to ask to stay in the classroom during playtime and lunchtime, so that he doesn't have to mix with the other kids. He is having great difficulty making friends, or playing with other children, and she is now looking back with different eyes on earlier experiences that she had considered normal, like the fact he always played with reception age children at school, rather than the kids his age. He's starting having extreme tantrums all evening after school days, over nothing at all. As for obsessive interests, I just had to ask "did he ever line up his toys" to be treated to a rant about how the lines of trains/cars used to go all over the house, and God forbid anybody ever moved one.<br />
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Obviously, there was lots of other stuff we talked about, and I gave her the Tony Attwood complete guide to Asperger's, cos it's a good starting point for a parent. But I'm slightly annoyed with her Occupational Therapist, who is telling her that there is no need for her to seek assessment for autism for her son, because his dyspraxia diagnosis already covers all his behavioural problems.<br />
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I've heard this song before, and came to the conclusion that there are some issues here about what is best for the child. If he has autistic tendencies, or even may be diagnosed as autistic, will it not help this child to get the best out of his school, if his teachers have a better understanding of the difficulties he is facing? Will it not make it easier for his parents to help him out if they understand why he is having meltdowns left right and centre, and why he has such an idiosyncratic approach to, erm, everything...<br />
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Why would anybody advise against assessment for a child who is struggling to such a noticeable extent in areas of functioning which are only touched on in a dyspraxia diagnosis?<br />
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I am now wondering if there is a professional issue here, because OTs cannot diagnose autism, and they are seeing lots of kids with coordination problems AND autistic traits, has the diagnosis of dyspraxia/DCD been expanded to include these children? and is this in the best interests of these children? Is it the best way to recognise the complexity of the problems they face?<br />
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And with all due deference to OTs, who do amazing work, and have helped my son enormously, they are not doctors, and do not have the understanding of autism that a qualified and specialised doctor can have. They cannot offer therapies which tackle all the aspects of autism, only those which are related to the coordination aspects of it.<br />
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OK, I know I'm getting a bit ranty here, but I do feel that we need to be in touch with the right professionals, who understand all the facets of the issues that our children face, whether psychological, social, emotional, physical or otherwise. Obviously OT support is a cheaper alternative than assessment by a paediatrician or other suitably qualified doctor, that doesn't make it a replacement for such an assessment.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-31346920982932810442011-11-22T14:58:00.000-08:002011-11-22T14:58:39.815-08:00Worrying about my parents for a change!So... I remarked to my best friend the other day, we are in a kind of honeymoon state, kids are neither toddlers nor teenagers, and parents are not that elderly (yet).<br />
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I didn't mention, although it's in the back of my mind, that my mum has had a spate of forgetting things lately, and my Dad got angry with her the other day for messing up his plans by telling somebody the opposite of what was supposed to be happening. He told her he was getting worried about her and if she didn't improve he was sending her to the Dr!<br />
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Today, I saw her briefly, and she was really anxious because she had lost her reading glasses. Not as in simply misplaced, she remembers wearing them, and has no memory of taking them off, and they appear to be nowhere in the house.<br />
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I should perhaps explain the background to this, which is that my parents don't do emotion. I haven't seen my Dad angry for 25 years (coincidentally since I was a teenager!) and I rarely see my mother express any emotion other than mild irritation, even though she has her 17-year old granddaughter living in the house, and my sister (with the major mental health problems) is there more often than not. Seeing them both upset to that degree is very unusual.<br />
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My mum is usually sharp as a tack, she obtained a first class honours Maths degree through OU while she had 3 kids under 5, and has always retained that analytical ability. I know that they are both aware of the implications, they have lots of friends, who have suffered the usual round of age-related illness, including dementia. I'm sure they don't want to actually acknowledge it and are busy pretending my Dad's outburst last week never happened. I'm also sure my mum just needs me to tell her that this is just a normal part of aging.<br />
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I did some reading about dementia last week, because I am now officially the Family Healthcare Professional. Forgetting stuff like glasses is a normal part of aging, frustrating as it may be for my totally and utterly organised and together mother. But if they turn up in the fridge, and she starts mixing her words up, and struggling to do her Sudoku 3 x faster than Dad, then we need to worry.<br />
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However, on the NHS site, they say that being anxious about memory loss is an indicator for a visit to the GP. So that means I need to have a chat with them both, probably soon, to see if they think that that's where we're at. Probably separate chats. I did start to have a heart to heart with Mum yesterday, but my sister turned up uninvited and joined in. That's what family's for!<br />
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This isn't a conversation I want to have, the implications are huge, Mum holds everything together, like all Mums, but more so, as she's primary carer for my sister and her daughter. Having said that, my sister is finally medicated and acting totally normal, and her daughter is 17 and thinking about applying to University. I don't call on my Mum for support, except the usual chit-chat, which goes both ways. But the idea of needing to be on hand to help her out is kind of nice. I owe her loads, her calmness in a crisis has always been an inspiration! Having spent some time now nursing elderly folk in my general placement, that doesn't freak me out any more.<br />
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No idea where any of this is going, as always, no crystal ball on hand. This is part of the journey I suppose, just need to keep on keeping on.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-85711117295213520302011-10-30T14:09:00.000-07:002011-10-30T14:09:22.684-07:00Am I there yet?.... AcceptanceSo...the kids were diagnosed 2 weeks apart, 15 months ago, am I starting to come to terms with it yet?<br />
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Looking back over the last year or so, I can see a clear pattern of coping behaviour, starting with obsessive research into all aspects of autism, turning into depression and denial, and followed by frustration and anger. I just realised that I'm describing the stages of grief! I keep forgetting that I'm going through a grieving process. Hang on, just going to google to see what I'm in for next.<br />
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OK, good news, I still have bargaining and acceptance to come. To be honest, I think acceptance may still be some way off, and I fully expect to be meeting some of the other stages again before long. I certainly got frustrated with my husband again this week, as he continues to completely deny that there's anything different between our kids and the kids they go to school with. I think he believes they've both been falsely diagnosed. But they don't talk to him about their feelings of being left out at school, and of having nobody to play with.<br />
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Loneliness is another feeling I have to cope with, but fortunately I have some lovely friends, and lovely tweeple who understand, because they are in the same or similar situation.<br />
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That's as far as the kids go, as for my own autistic nature, have I come to an acceptance of who I am? I hope that I am well on my way, I love being who I am, and while I have challenges every day to overcome, I am helped by my special abilities, and my humanity.<br />
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I have found a new vocation in midwifery, and it suits me down to the ground, which makes me very lucky!Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-1658472859203881902011-10-26T14:51:00.000-07:002011-10-26T14:51:29.356-07:00Undercover AspergianSo... I've been getting some unwanted attention from the other students on my course. It's meant to be nice attention, but it feels like too much.<br />
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I do on occasion try to be funny, and if I do it in small doses, I can be funny. I have a very dry, ironic sense of humour, kind of black, which works well in a healthcare student setting. I have some days where I feel like being funny, but if it then attracts lots of attention, I withdraw a bit into the background, and stay serious for a few days. I know that if I overdo it, I start crossing lines, and stepping over people's personal boundaries. (I know this from personal experience...)<br />
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I know somebody I've seen posting on Wrong Planet has a tagline which says something like: "If I have offended you, you can be sure it was an attempt at humour." I can really relate to this, and that's why I tone it down.<br />
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But, now I'm finding people inviting me to be funny, expecting me to be funny and encouraging me to be funny, and that's awkward, because I need to be on top form to go there at all, and be sure that I'm not going to hurt anybody's feelings. Some days I just want to coast, stay in the background, and have quiet chats with people next to me, I'm not there to entertain.<br />
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Then I get this slightly confused reaction, like I'm not being consistent, and other people can't work me out. I kind of feel like an Undercover Aspergian. They start looking at me kind of hard like they're trying to see through me. These midwives are all working on their communication skills 100% of the time, and they are pretty fly now. I've had a few anxious moments.<br />
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But then I remind myself that they aren't psychic either, I just have to raise an eyebrow and they'll leave me alone. I end up coming across as super-confident and extremely knowledgeable. Neither of which is what I'm aiming for, I'm aiming to just pass for normal, and instead, they think I have some kind of a super-brain, but they don't see the disability side of things (cos I haven't told them!) I do have a brilliant memory for anatomy and physiology which is a massive advantage, but I have high anxiety levels every day, not about looking after the pregnant women, that's the best bit, but about mixing with qualified midwives and other health professionals, and getting that interaction right. It requires a huge mental discipline to stay 'in character', and not to be inappropriate.<br />
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Just realised that I used an acting term about my approach to work. I suppose there is an element of 'acting professional' for all of us, I think it's a bigger challenge for me, but at the same time, I've been practicing roles my whole life.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-71517944525876016852011-10-13T14:09:00.000-07:002011-10-13T14:14:02.343-07:00Quality? of care in our hospitalsSo... thought I would get down some nursing-related thoughts, as they have been occurring to me lately.<br />
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One of the other girls (women) in my class asked me this the other day:<br />
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"Should we bring up the poor standard of care we are seeing on the general wards with our tutor?"<br />
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It was kind of an aside, not really a question for me, but a question she was asking herself. We've all just started our general nursing placements, and we've all seen things that have made us uncomfortable, here is a partial list:<br />
<ul><li>nurses ignoring the call bells</li>
<li>incontinent patients left without being changed for hours and hours</li>
<li>cursory bedbaths</li>
<li>patients' mobility not being a priority - eg use of commodes by bedside instead of helping patients walk to toilets. </li>
<li>no help with feeding, or drinking for quieter patients.</li>
</ul><div>There's more, but I don't want to depress you. Then yesterday the Care Quality Commission report came out, revealing that this low quality of care is totally par for the course in the NHS at the moment. </div><div><br />
</div><div>The nurses are constantly complaining, not only about lack of resources and the impact of cuts (large numbers of imminent bed closures for example) but also about the bizarre priorities of hospital management, who are busy organising expensive and pointless internal ward moves, and obsessing about foundation trust status. (Honestly, at times it's just like Holby City, (with all of thecynicism and backbiting but none of the hot doctors).</div><div><br />
</div><div>Nurses seem to spend 80%+ of their time filling in documentation, while the healthcare assistants do all the actual, physical nursing work, ie bedbaths, turning bedbound patients, helping with toileting, feeding, and hydration etc. </div><div><br />
</div><div>And lastly, not not leastly, as midwives, we are all about women-focused care, working in partnership, communication. On the general wards, we are seeing very poor or no communication, patronising tone, talking over people, no confidentiality.</div><div><br />
</div><div>So is it our job to blow the whistle on the nurses who are our mentors, for the poor standards of care they are living with? After all, their morale is already at rock bottom. And the Care Quality Commission has already lifted the lid. </div><div><br />
</div><div>I don't know what to tell my friend, I can't answer her question, she has to figure it out for herself. </div><div><br />
</div><div>But I do know that I don't want to get sucked into the system and start believing that the care we are providing to the elderly is all that they deserve.</div>Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-4286456162466967202011-07-29T15:30:00.000-07:002011-07-29T15:30:09.768-07:00Lovely Day Out. I won't hear different.So... had a lovely day out yesterday to celebrate passing my end of year exam! (Faint cheers off...) Here is my story of Our Day Out.<br />
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It started badly when I came up with the spontaneous, impulsive idea that we would all go and pick up my results together, and then go to a lovely estate with beautiful gardens (and adventure playground) near to my Uni. Funnily enough, it wasn't aspie #1 or aspie #2 who had a problem with my spontaneous idea, it was DH, who immediately claimed to have half a dozen urgent domestic tasks which WOULD NOT WAIT till the afternoon. Strange, as I have never seen him complete any domestic task with any sense of urgency. Or at all. He rarely gets more than half way through any domestic task.<br />
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Having used some canny emotional blackmail on him, managed to get everyone in the car, and off to Uni. Got my result, with Pippi sitting on my lap (A15 if you're interested), and on my return to the car, announced it to the rest of the family, expecting rapturous applause. Which did not occur. DH still being sulky about being forced to have fun for the day. A bit of a row ensued, mainly me shouting at him and threatening divorce (under my breath). I know. I'm a bad wife and a worse mum some days.<br />
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In my defence, getting a great result doesn't immediately get rid of the stress involved in picking them up. <br />
Still, we continued on to the gardens. I think Lucas had about 3 meltdowns during the course of the afternoon, and Pippi had one. DH and I had a showdown about the cost of getting in, and then called a truce. Lucas also got lost at one point,while I was taking Pippi for a walk to look at the roses, and was running around screaming DH's name, until I intercepted him quite by accident (not yet knowing he was lost), as he was heading for the exit.<br />
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Am I crazy to say that I had a wonderful time, and have the most amazing memories of that day? We all did our best, the kids did have a fantastic time on the adventure playground, we had a race round the maze, (the kids won), we had a lovely lunch with no rows, and everybody ate something. The weather was beautiful. I remember how much fun we had together, and how good we all are at looking after each other when things are going south.<br />
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Is ridiculous optimism another facet of autism? I seem to remember reading that somewhere....Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-79989468175849283822011-07-19T15:16:00.000-07:002011-07-19T15:16:43.169-07:00Stress Management for Aspies.So...have managed to relax a bit finally, it's been a super stressful year and a half, thank god it's coming to an end. First year of Uni now pretty much finished, and I've done well!<br />
<br />
Mentioned to husband the other day that next year is supposed to be worse than this year. Same amount of coursework, and an anatomy and physiology exam on top. He looked dismayed. He said 'What???' I take that to mean I have not been the easiest person to live with lately. That's probably an understatement. Even my mum has commented on my stress levels, and we don't do emotions.<br />
<br />
Have been taking some Valium overnight in the last week, to ease the muscles in my jaw. It works great, but it's not a longterm solution, as my GP pointed out. She suggested SSRIs, and I pointed out that there's no way I could sustain a midwifery course through cotton wool brain.<br />
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So I'm back to stress/anxiety management. I had a massage last week, and another booked for next week. Bliss. So nice to have somebody else forcing me to relax, as it's not a strength of mine. I know what I need to do, once my exam is over this week, I have promised myself (and the dog) that I'm going to start walking her at least 3 times a week. I have completely stopped exercising, and in fact once in the house, feel almost glued to the sofa, paralysed with some kind of fear.<br />
<br />
Hoping to overcome the paralysing fear of whatever it is I'm afraid of. Don't know how successful that's going to be, maybe the counselling will help me to work it out. And I need to pick up that knitting again.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-87855875148991056792011-07-05T14:23:00.000-07:002011-07-05T14:24:31.801-07:00Kids and name-calling.So... my gorgeous little girl has been upset the last couple of days, not wanting to go to school, crying when she gets home.<br />
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I hate it when this happens. The only response I really have is to keep her out of school. DH tells me that all the kids are shattered, between it being end of summer term and everything. He does most of the school pickups because I'm working long hours with my midwifery course. But it wouldn't occur to him to check in with the teacher, because he's always looking for the answer that will normalise Pippi, and make her not different. I'm going to drop Lucas in tomorrow and ask to talk to Pippi's teacher, see if we can work out what's been going on.<br />
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She did tell me something about being called 'loser'. My heart positively breaks when I hear stuff like that. But then she told me that she had called another girl that first. I don't know what's gone on, but I suspect that she's beginning to realise that she is different from the other kids, and her efforts to fit in aren't always successful. Her language has come on loads in her first year at school, but unfortunately her comprehension hasn't caught up with it, so I feel that the gap between the two has expanded.<br />
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But there is good news, her sports day was sort of non-competitive this year, and all the kids got different medals depending on how many points they'd gained during PE sessions. Pippi got a proper medal, and insists on wearing it at all times!! I got a photo of her in mid-air giving a high five to her relay partner, hair blowing in the wind...<br />
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Good times!Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-6345089084609693052011-06-25T14:34:00.000-07:002011-06-25T14:34:02.549-07:00DON'T tell me not to worry!So... my new counsellor made me really mad yesterday. She pointed out that my diagnosis (or not) of Aspergers is not the main issue, as I come across as normal, in comparison with the rest of the flawed public out there.<br />
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I think she doesn't want me to obsess over the Aspergers. She may well have a point - see all previous blog posts. But that's where I'm at right now, and telling me to get past it is kind of missing the point.<br />
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It's not willingly that I'm undergoing this big reassessment of my personal history, my daily behaviour, my adequacy as a parent (see next blog post). It's like a compulsion I suppose. I'm an analytical person anyway, that's just how my brain works. If something changes the entire way I have seen myself for my whole lifetime, then I'm going to have to spend some time working it all out. Let's call it a hobby! (read 'special interest')<br />
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I suppose I do have a sensitivity around the whole self-diagnosis thing, it's the first time I've told a professional about this. It's the first time that I've thought that getting a diagnosis might actually be useful. Her point was that I need to find ways to manage the real anxiety that I'm feeling, which is clearly true. Rather than ratchet up the anxiety worrying about my Aspergian nature. Let's face it, she doesn't know me very well yet.<br />
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Was there ever anything less useful than being told 'Don't worry'?Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-44115857248856837922011-06-25T13:53:00.000-07:002011-06-25T13:53:55.414-07:00Stimming - Does it really work?So... I have been reflecting on stimming, as I am trying to figure out what to do about my own troublesome stims.<br />
<br />
I clench my teeth in time with my pulse. There. I said it. I've never told anybody that before. I may have mentioned the clenching thing to my dentist, who was not surprised, given the fact that I was seeing him with TMJ - a jaw problem, caused by nighttime grinding and daytime clenching.<br />
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It increases along with my anxiety, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I have seen people posting about how trying to prevent children from stimming only makes it worse, or drives it underground. I know that I had various stims as a child, some of which drove my mum crazy, and she banned me from doing them. Although looking back, some of them might have looked more like OCD than stimming, and that makes me wonder what the actual difference between the two. If we're all agreed that both OCD and stimming have anxiety as their cause, then maybe they are both different manifestations of the same thing?<br />
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I do see Lucas displaying particular behaviours when he's anxious, he walks along, and every other step he kicks his bottom with his right foot. He can do that for hours in the playground. He also sometimes tips his head over to the side and just leaves it there, and also makes a throaty noise when watching favourite TV programmes, or eating favourite food. Again, not sure whether we are in the realm of tics, stims or OCD here. Or whether it really matters what we call it!!<br />
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I went underground with my stims, which are all invisible now. There's the jaw-clenching/tooth-tapping one, then there's the one with my fingers, where I tap them against something in time with my pulse, but out of sight. The teeth one has definitely become unconscious, I have difficulty in stopping it now, although it causes me agonising jaw pain if I get too anxious. I have tried to decrease it by switching to my finger stim when I notice it, but I can't maintain that for long before I return to the unconscious teeth one.<br />
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When I consciously try to stop the teeth-tapping, I notice immediate sensations of rising anxiety, so I know that it is working to keep the anxiety suppressed. I guess the problem is that as the anxiety levels rise, so does the damage to my jaw as my body carries out its long-learned suppression technique.<br />
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Does it work? I think that the stimming channels my anxiety, and gives me an outlet, allowing a physical release of my anxious feelings. But I think that once it becomes systematic, and unconscious, it only serves to mask and disguise my anxiety levels, until they become intolerable. I suppose it's a type of coping mechanism, but I wouldn't characterise it as helpful.<br />
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Maybe it's like self-harming, a learned coping mechanism that can get out of control. As part of my Aspergian self-inventory, I need to decide if I really want to break the habit of a lifetime.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-16796873582945428732011-06-20T16:29:00.000-07:002011-06-20T16:29:23.402-07:00Marriage under pressure - dealing with autismSo... we've been going to the NAS Early Bird Plus course for the last few weeks, I just wanted to let people know how we're getting on.<br />
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Out of me and my husband, we have adopted opposite approaches to our kids being diagnosed. I have gone into research hyper-drive (natural aspie response!) and he has opted for the classic NT male 'let's ignore it and pretend it isn't happening' response. It's been a year now, and I try not to get angry with him, and I never beat him over the head with my research, but we are on very different pages. He's still a brilliant and intuitive Dad, and loves our two little conundrums to pieces! So I can't get mad with him too often (just sometimes).<br />
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We finally managed to get onto the Early Bird course, and I was so thrilled, as I thought this would be an opportunity for him to ingest some information about autism. I'm not so sure that's what happening though. I'm really enjoying it, getting to know Pippa's Teaching Assistant, (who is not allowed to talk to us at school, all communication has to go through the Teacher.) It's been an excellent opportunity to exchange our experiences of Pippa and Lucas, with other parents/TAs who have had similar experiences. And it's great to be given strategies to use in understanding our kids better, and how best to interact with them.<br />
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Some of the most basic advice, is to reduce/simplify language, and give them time to process language before expecting a response. Both of these are really useful, and I'm trying to put them into action on a daily basis now. I haven't noticed my husband using either yet, but I'm ever (idiotically) optimistic. He's still on defensive mode in the classes, 'there's nothing wrong with my kids' kind of attitude, although that's not what he's saying on the surface. I'm not interested in challenging his emotional shit around this, I have my own emotional shit to deal with (see previous post), and I can't be a counsellor for him.<br />
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We've been together nearly 20 years, and just having stayed together that long is a strength in itself, I guess you could call it inertia! That's part of the joy of marriage (irony). But it also means that our conversations can be very short and still cover massive amounts, we have verbal shortcuts, when talking about emotions, I have learned the hard way that he can't do long chats about feelings (his or mine), so I have to restrict myself to saying what I want to say, then shutting up (excellent marital tip). Then I give him a couple of days, then I ask him what he thinks, and listen to the answer. (more excellent marital advice! lol)<br />
<br />
Anyway, it didn't start out as an essay on communication in marriage, but that's where I ended up! It suddenly occurs to me that I've been applying the Early Bird communication advice in my marriage for years. Hmmm, maybe he's not as NT as I thought. I would be the last one to know...Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-60395610572982880322011-06-20T14:39:00.000-07:002011-06-20T14:40:45.789-07:00Need to get back to Aspienormal...So...I'm back in counselling, spent an hour going through my mental health history, not such a pleasant experience. Especially the fact that it took a whole hour! She did seem impressed however that I had spent 2 years with a Jungian therapist. I guess there's hierarchies in counselling too. (Lol).<br />
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It's weird starting in that relationship thing again with a new counsellor. Let me see, this will be number 4. Number 3 was a total bust. Number 2 was great, but as I was pregnant at the time, didn't want me delving too deeply into very painful early history. Number 1 was my lovely Jungian therapist, who did a lot of hard work with me, particularly on my alexythemia.<br />
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Therapist number 4 seems nice so far, but I felt embarrassed at my extensive history, and myriad personal issues. It's not easy to open up so far so fast with a new person, it's a bit like being opened with a rusty can-opener. Leaves jagged edges.<br />
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Back there again on Thursday, chance to have a bit of a more relaxed chat hopefully, talk about some more recent stuff. I do kind of like counselling, the feeling when you've finished that you've done some useful work. But it doesn't seem to come round fast enough, seems like a long wait between appointments. This time it's taken months to organise access to some free counselling, been trying to set this up since last October.<br />
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In the meantime the anxiety levels have been steadily rising, all the familiar symptoms, teeth-grinding at night, jaw-clenching during the day, no control over either. Meltdowns at home. Anxiety attacks just started last week. At least I know what they are now. Obsessive behaviours, TV watching etc, to hide from the stuff that's going on. Inability to switch off from work, or relax. Unwillingness to be around family, (maybe that's them as well as me!)<br />
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There has to come a time where you put yourself out there and really try to get yourself back on track. I need to be functioning at a vaguely normal level allowing for my Aspie nature.<br />
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My kids and my husband need me to be aspienormal again.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-64202639679041156382011-05-24T14:15:00.000-07:002011-05-24T14:15:52.110-07:00Addicted to books - HyperlexiaSo... i've been thinking about the ways in which autism has affected my life, and the way I look at my life.<br />
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At the age of 3, I leaned over my father's shoulder, and began to read the Telegraph out loud. Nobody had taught me to read, I had just figured it out for myself. I believe this is called hyperlexia. I became a voracious reader. Among my early favourites, were Anne of Green Gables, not surprisingly, as I was an adopted girl with decided opinions, who just didn't seem to fit in, kept dropping things, and getting into trouble for speaking my mind. I loved Enid Blyton, especially the Famous Five, and the Naughtiest Girl in School (see previous). Once I reached the age of 10 or so, the supply of interesting books for my age range dried up, it not being a popular demographic with publishers at the time. I then proceeded to read my way through the library, and my mother's book collection, my father not being a great reader. My mother was fond of historical novels, of the more serious variety, Jean Plaidy rather than Georgette Heyer. She bought quite a few Reader's Digest Concise Collections, as they were good value for money, and leather-bound, looking well on the bookshelf. She bought many works from the Reader's Digest Book Club, all in hardback, and she has them all to this day. By the age of 11, I had read most of Dickens, all of Austen and Bronte, Thackeray, Tolstoy, Dostoevsky, etc. <br />
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Rarely without a book in my hand, I saw school as an interruption to my reading activities, and did my work as quickly as possible so that I could carry on reading. I did not have many friends. To be honest, I didn't miss them. What I wanted was information and advice on LIFE. I struggled to understand what was expected of me in different social situations, or to comprehend the motivations of other people, the Novel was the answer to all my questions, as it allowed access to the stream of consciousness of other minds, and a glimpse into motivations, and social expectations and mores from different eras. It also asked nothing of me, and allowed me to drift into a dream-like state.<br />
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I came to understand the emotions of those around me through the medium of the written word, and by direct learning rather than intuition. However, it was a theoretical understanding until I reached my thirties, and went for counselling, which allowed me to identify my own emotions for the first time in my life. (But that's another post.)<br />
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I still love to read, it is less of an addiction now, but provides enormous solace when the outside world becomes annoying.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-21145612235817909232011-05-21T15:09:00.000-07:002011-05-21T15:09:40.583-07:00It's the ignition that's the problem...So... thinking about some more good news type stories, big news today is that I am actually managing to sit at the computer and do studying, when I plan to do it, in a motivated fashion, and for quite a long time at a stretch.<br />
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When I have been studying in the past, I have been a Just In Time student, I used to plan to work and then fail to work, until motivated by sheer panic at looming deadlines. But this time is so different! I have an essay and a poster to hand in, deadline is 10 days away. I finished the poster today, did most of the work over a month ago, and the essay I just have about 250 words left to finish it off. I did most of it before Christmas, and rewrote it last week. I had planned to do about 4 hours study today, along with a full day last Friday for the last 3 weeks, and I've actually done it. This is so unlike me!<br />
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I've always had problems with 'executive function', and one of my problems, is the link between planning and carrying out the plans. I can plan, write lists and organise for England, but I have always had great difficulty in actually sitting down to work. In the past, I suffered from excessive stasis, lack of impetus, and problems in changing from one activity to another. I think these things are all going on, but they seem to be affecting smaller parts of my life these days, and they don't appear to be affecting my studying at all.<br />
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I wonder why this is, is it just that as I get older I'm getting better at finding ways of overcoming my autistic deficits? Or is it more related to the fact that I'm genuinely passionate about Midwifery, and don't mind looking at the books, or writing stuff down about it. It's still hard to get over that moment of revulsion, where I look at the computer, and just want to run away from the work, curl up in bed and never come out again. But I've found that if I don't think about doing the work, or imagine doing the work, and instead, I sit down at the computer with the intention of going on Twitter, then I can spend 5 minutes on Twitter, and then accidentally start working. Once I've started, I can't stop till the task I've set myself is done.<br />
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It's the ignition that's the problem...Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-89406692934593041382011-05-20T16:22:00.000-07:002011-05-20T16:26:17.662-07:00Feeling Irish... and the QueenSo... this week has been the Queen's visit to Ireland, and for some reason I found myself crying throughout the coverage. I had to sit down and figure out what was going on.<br />
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I lived in Ireland for a long time, although I'm English I feel about half-Irish (married to an Irishman with 2 Irish kids). But, as you may know, the English haven't always been very popular in Ireland, for some very good reasons. <br />
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Although I always felt accepted by most Irish people, and lucky enough to be loved by some, there was always a feeling in the back of my mind that I was essentially a foreigner, and would never really Belong. The Irish term for this is 'blow-in', and I could never shake it off.<br />
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Seeing the Queen visiting Ireland this week, and seeing Irish people allowing themselves to be so enthusiastic about her visit, has been very moving for me. I'm sure there are plenty of Irish people who aren't really bothered either way (I'm not a monarchist myself), but for the most part, people seem to be happy and excited about the visit, and keen to discuss all the plans and details. Everybody in Ireland was talking about the itinerary, and the fact that each single visit carried a heavy weight of symbolism.<br />
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Seeing her lay a wreath in the Garden of Remembrance was just amazing. The British monarch walking the streets of Cork shaking hands with the public was something I never thought I'd see. And her speech felt like a very personal expression of many of my own feelings. The sadness for the tragic history between our two countries, the difficulties of bringing up my children with their shared heritage in its shadow. I didn't even know I felt any of this, I'd never really tried to articulate it, as it just was the way things were. I never talk to my Irish friends about being English in Ireland, some of them have had more difficult experiences being Irish in England.<br />
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I have heard so many Irish people criticize the English, part of it being the painful history that there is no denying, and part of it just typical neighbourly stereotyping. (Like we do with the French and Germans). The need for England to lose at the football, no matter who they were playing. I did tell my husband in the end that it made me uncomfortable, and that he should consider the fact that his children are equally half-English.<br />
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I do wish the Queen had apologised, but I do feel that she went out of her way to convey her sorrow for all the horrendous events that have occurred in our shared history. For me, it felt like a healing, as if 'we the English' were being officially welcomed onto Irish soil for the first time. That's why I cried.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-31064533017163942952011-05-15T01:46:00.000-07:002011-05-15T01:46:52.330-07:00Extended Family Bonding - what works?So... realised that I had been using my blogging to help me deal with some difficult issues, and get some shit out that was causing me anxiety and depression.<br />
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But you guys deserve to hear about the good stuff too!! So in my next few blogs I'm going to talk about some of my best moments from the last while. By the way, things are going great right now, and I haven't felt this good since I was on anti-depressants! (I wish that was a joke, but it's not.)<br />
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My mum has let me know that they don't see enough of us, even though we live just a few miles away now, after living overseas for years! She said that she didn't want to do big Sunday dinners for all the family any more, as it's too much pressure for Lucas. She said she feels she hardly sees him any more, as we mostly get together for these big dinners, and he has meltdowns and disappears, or sometimes stays in the car and refuses to come in the house. So, upshot is they are going to come over for dinner on Tuesday night, after I finish work, it's going to be low-pressure normal family dinner, without sister and niece. I'm also going to find some things to do with mum and the kids at the weekend from time to time, trips out etc, maybe even join the National Trust (they're already members) so that we can go out to local stately homes and go for walks and stuff.<br />
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This might all sound kind of small, but in my life, it's huge! My adoptive mum is a very different character to me, not just down to the lack of aspergers on her side, but she's fairly uptight, growing up there was a big emphasis on the house, and the possessions, and not breaking stuff, I'm kind of the opposite. I think she's learning to be a bit more easygoing as she gets older!<br />
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A new approach to family time is on the cards then, I'm looking forward to it, and will let you know if we are successful!Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-5726891471909297432011-04-11T14:51:00.000-07:002011-04-11T14:51:34.568-07:00Night terrors and self-careSo... I've been having these weird nighttime experiences, and I didn't realise that they might be connected with the autism, or that they were common enough in people with ASD.<br />
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I have these experiences, where I am not awake, but not asleep either. I believe myself to have woken up, and I KNOW that I am living a lie, and that I am pretending to be someone that I am not to everybody in my life. It's hard to describe, but it's an absolute and sudden recognition that this is a fact, and it leaves me feeling completely terrified. It's as though I had been hiding this fact from myself, and have suddenly realised it.<br />
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I cannot put into words the horrendous anxiety that I feel during these experiences. I don't seem to wake up properly after the experience, I think I go back to deep sleep. I think that these may be night terrors, although I know that the sufferer is supposed to have amnesia about them. I have partial recall of these experiences, which sometimes come back to me in a vague way when I'm waking up in the morning.<br />
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It doesn't take a genius to work out that my unwillingness to 'come out' about my Aspergers at college/work may be connected to these night terrors. I seem to be feeling an increasing level of anxiety, which in fairness, is probably the reason why I'm having the sleep problems, and is related to the Midwifery course I'm doing, which is a high stress experience.<br />
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I'm actually coping really well with the course, keeping up to date with course work, and mostly enjoying my time on placement, learning how to blend theory and practice, and developing clinical skills. But I can't ignore the anxiety levels, I need to remember to listen to my body, and deal with emotional crises before they arise.<br />
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Self-care is so important for us autistic types, I have learned over the years to recognise the symptoms that my anxiety levels are rising. Here's my checklist:<br />
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Jaw clenching/teeth grinding - jaw pain at the end of the working day, and lockjaw when I wake up<br />
Hairtrigger temper - Husband can't do anything right (lol)<br />
Hyperactivity and inappropriate humour - my subconscious way of dealing with anxiety (doesn't help)<br />
A sense of rising panic when I think about my coursework that's due in before end of year<br />
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I've found out that I'm entitled to free counselling through the NHS, and I will be calling the service tomorrow to get an appointment. That's another lesson I learned years ago:<br />
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Only I can ask for help for me.Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7082010338786676517.post-9573547823914646402011-04-09T11:44:00.000-07:002011-04-09T11:44:21.448-07:00Social Overload and DowntimeSo... I'm having my first day off in 12 days, it's very nice. Actually I just realised I spent 4 hours this morning studying, so not so much of a day off. I guess I've reprogrammed my expectations since starting the course.<br />
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I still feel guilty when I need time for myself. Since my self-diagnosis I've been giving myself a bit of a break, as I finally realise what the things are that I'm having trouble coping with, and why I seem to need more 'doing nothing' time than other people to recover from my normal week or whatever else I've got going on.<br />
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But I do wonder, now that I'm more settled and at peace with myself, I seem to be able to get by with less of my 'downtime'. Is that because before, I was anxious all the time, and depressed some of the time, which would explain the drive I had to hole up in bed for an entire weekend, incapable of dealing with anybody or anything. Or was it just overload?<br />
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It's really hard to figure out what was going on in your emotional past, you can't touch it, and those kinds of memories are so unreliable. I know that I've had and managed with less downtime since I had the kids, because they give me a reason to be more up, give me motivation to do stuff, and anyway, they don't really let me sit down and do nothing for long!<br />
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I do know that in my '20s I would frequently have spent whole weekends in bed, talking to nobody, with phantom 'flu' or whatever else I felt like telling people. I varied between hyper-social and utterly unable to bear human company, mixed in with mostly normal functioning at work.<br />
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Has anybody else experienced this kind of social overload?Calliehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13656727527160276143noreply@blogger.com0