Putting Pressure on myself

So... I woke up this morning and couldn't get out of bed. I was suddenly full of stress about this seminar I'm in the middle of preparing, my brain was pumping out various different scenarios about what bit of the work I needed to do the minute I got out of bed, and I just froze.

This happens sometimes, used to happen a lot more, and it's usually when I've been putting unrealistic expectations on myself, e.g. I will do 10 hours work a day for the next 4 days without a break. Then I kind of burn out and anxiety takes its toll.

I eventually got up, and immediately began to eat for England, and compounded that by digging out a library book I hadn't read and completely lost myself in it. (Even though it was really badly written!) I didn't come out of this until 3pm when dh went to do the school run. I finished the book, and looked up, and suddenly realised that the feeling I was feeling was fear. That was what was paralysing me. Quite often I don't go outside myself to look at what's going on, it's something I need to do more of. Once I realised that it was fear of not finishing the work that was paralysing me, I immediately made a cup of tea  and went upstairs and sat down on the big computer and started pulling my research together.

Seeing the fear as not based in reality just made it evaporate. I've proved to myself that if I just put my head down and keep doing the next one task and the next one task, I will eventually finish the piece of work, without any panicking or last-minute stress being necessary.

In my first degree (when I was much younger), I had no idea about my Aspergers, and was living in a chaotic, confused, and often drunken state, I struggled to undertake any work at all, and was very unhappy. I had the constant suspicion that I didn't understand what was going on around me (I was right). I was also horrendously bullied, which I hadn't expected at Uni, I thought that was school stuff, and people would be more mature.

Thank god I'm in my forties. Thank god my kids got diagnosed with Aspergers, allowing me to walk the path to self-diagnosis.  I love being this age and actually understanding what's going on around me, being able to own my own shit and disown everybody else's.

Life is good.

Writing - A Very Aspie Obsession

So...been thinking about writing and how important it is for me, I suppose it's a way of making sense of the world, and a way to connect with other people without having to consider their needs overly much (!).

It's just a magic combination, aspie, special interest and keyboard. The need to get stuff out of my brain is on occasion, quite overwhelming. I have always been an obsessive list-writer, and advance planner, and loved creative writing in school. Once I had graduated, I missed the academic writing, and eventually turned to lobbying to get my writing fix, lots of press releases and more strategies, tactics, planning etc.

For me, a lot of writing is about problem-solving, it's not enough to just get my thoughts down on paper, there has to be flow, and plot, and entertainment value. And there is the editing process, which is so vital, and so difficult.

Since the very beginning, this blog has been a start-to-finish writing exercise with no editing allowed, except backspace to correct misspellings. Don't ask me why it's like that, my aspie mind just generates rules sometimes. My last big project was my novel, and that was all about re-reading and editing, and plot control. Now that I'm studying again, my writing isn't so much fun, there are other people's rules to learn, like scientific referencing, and basing everything on research. But there does come a point where it's all about flow, that's my favourite part, where it all comes together and starts to read like there's an argument to be had.

I'm noticing that a lot of the adult aspies that I'm following on Twitter are writers, whether for fun or publishing, there's a big interest in language, correct use of, and language, silliness around. I do so love that aspect of it, as well as the 140 character rule, it's so arbitrary, I can really relate.

What does cause this obsessive interest in language and writing that so many aspies share? Is there an over-development in language areas of the brain that corresponds to damage in other areas? I'm almost over-sensitive to language, if I see an ugly phrase, or a misspelled word, I will mentally shudder.  I can spot a misspelled word at 20 paces. I'm also a really fast reader, I seem to read a page of text more as a picture than as a collection of individual words. I don't know if that's what they call eidetic memory. If I read something more than twice, the actual phrase lodges in my brain quite thoroughly.

But I haven't really found the optimal use for these skills, I don't want to do editing work, I'm more creative than that, novel-writing or academic writing is probably the best idea. After I finish my degree, I have a resolution to find ways to use my writing skills productively (and for cash!)

Aspie in the closet - unknowable consequences

So... I was having a chat in the staffroom with the only other person present a couple of days ago, and I was talking about my two kids, their autism and the challenges that's causing towards the end of term, with excessive tiredness, and pressure around school plays/carol concerts as well as general Christmas anxiety (am I going to get the present I really really want?). In my defence, the day before had been very tough, and had resulted in a big row between myself and dh, and I was feeling quite vulnerable.

But at some point in the conversation I realised that I was getting carried away and was about to start talking about my own autistic traits. I did mention one before I caught myself and got up and made myself a cup of tea, and changed the subject.

I'm going to blame a cup of caffeinated coffee I'd had in a meeting that morning, caffeine has a very powerful effect on me, making me hyper, sociable and very chatty. This is not a natural state for me, and I find it difficult to control once I get started. I know that when you stop taking any kind of drug and then have a little, it has a disproportionately strong effect, same with alcohol and cigarettes. I've been off the caffeine for a few years now, and generally feel better for it, but visiting people can be difficult. It's hard to bring your own decaf teabags out without looking rude!

For quite long periods of my life now, I forget about my aspie status, and start to believe I'm quite normal, then something suddenly reminds me.  My big struggle at the moment is with my self-limiting preference to spend time alone, at the expense of my family, and especially my kids. I feel so guilty when I come home totally peopled out and just want to sink onto the sofa and watch TV without talking to anybody. I am trying harder than ever to do better at being a parent even when I'm shattered.

This is the stuff that's floating around my head when I'm talking about my family, and if somebody asks questions and shows an interest in the autistic side of things, I'm so grateful for the opportunity to actually talk about it in real life, and not on Twitter (lol) that I get carried away. Especially because it's a huge special interest as well!

In the end, I have to remember that not everybody has my best interests at heart. I need to protect myself, because once I get out of that closet, there's no getting back in, and the consequences are unknowable.

Lovely Day Out. I won't hear different.

So... had a lovely day out yesterday to celebrate passing my end of year exam! (Faint cheers off...) Here is my story of Our Day Out.

It started badly when I came up with the spontaneous, impulsive idea that we would all go and pick up my results together, and then go to a lovely estate with beautiful gardens (and adventure playground) near to my Uni. Funnily enough, it wasn't aspie #1 or aspie #2 who had a problem with my spontaneous idea, it was DH, who immediately claimed to have half a dozen urgent domestic tasks which WOULD NOT WAIT till the afternoon. Strange, as I have never seen him complete any domestic task with any sense of urgency. Or at all. He rarely gets more than half way through any domestic task.

Having used some canny emotional blackmail on him, managed to get everyone in the car, and off to Uni. Got my result, with Pippi sitting on my lap (A15 if you're interested), and on my return to the car, announced it to the rest of the family, expecting rapturous applause. Which did not occur. DH still being sulky about being forced to have fun for the day. A bit of a row ensued, mainly me shouting at him and threatening divorce (under my breath). I know. I'm a bad wife and a worse mum some days.

In my defence, getting a great result doesn't immediately get rid of the stress involved in picking them up.
Still, we continued on to the gardens. I think Lucas had about 3 meltdowns during the course of the afternoon, and Pippi had one. DH and I had a showdown about the cost of getting in, and then called a truce. Lucas also got lost at one point,while I was taking Pippi for a walk to look at the roses, and was running around screaming DH's name, until I intercepted him quite by accident (not yet knowing he was lost), as he was heading for the exit.

Am I crazy to say that I had a wonderful time, and have the most amazing memories of that day? We all did our best, the kids did have a fantastic time on the adventure playground, we had a race round the maze, (the kids won), we had a lovely lunch with no rows, and everybody ate something. The weather was beautiful. I remember how much fun we had together, and how good we all are at looking after each other when things are going south.

Is ridiculous optimism another facet of autism? I seem to remember reading that somewhere....

Stress Management for Aspies.

So...have managed to relax a bit finally, it's been a super stressful year and a half, thank god it's coming to an end. First year of Uni now pretty much finished, and I've done well!

Mentioned to husband the other day that next year is supposed to be worse than this year. Same amount of coursework, and an anatomy and physiology exam on top. He looked dismayed. He said 'What???' I take that to mean I have not been the easiest person to live with lately. That's probably an understatement. Even my mum has commented on my stress levels, and we don't do emotions.

Have been taking some Valium overnight in the last week, to ease the muscles in my jaw. It works great, but it's not a longterm solution, as my GP pointed out. She suggested SSRIs, and I pointed out that there's no way I could sustain a midwifery course through cotton wool brain.

So I'm back to stress/anxiety management. I had a massage last week, and another booked for next week. Bliss. So nice to have somebody else forcing me to relax, as it's not a strength of mine. I know what I need to do, once my exam is over this week, I have promised myself (and the dog) that I'm going to start walking her at least 3 times a week. I have completely stopped exercising, and in fact once in the house, feel almost glued to the sofa, paralysed with some kind of fear.

Hoping to overcome the paralysing fear of whatever it is I'm afraid of. Don't know how successful that's going to be, maybe the counselling will help me to work it out. And I need to pick up that knitting again.

Kids and name-calling.

So... my gorgeous little girl has been upset the last couple of days, not wanting to go to school, crying when she gets home.

I hate it when this happens. The only response I really have is to keep her out of school. DH tells me that all the kids are shattered, between it being end of summer term and everything. He does most of the school pickups because I'm working long hours with my midwifery course. But it wouldn't occur to him to check in with the teacher, because he's always looking for the answer that will normalise Pippi, and make her not different. I'm going to drop Lucas in tomorrow and ask to talk to Pippi's teacher, see if we can work out what's been going on.

She did tell me something about being called 'loser'. My heart positively breaks when I hear stuff like that. But then she told me that she had called another girl that first. I don't know what's gone on, but I suspect that she's beginning to realise that she is different from the other kids, and her efforts to fit in aren't always successful. Her language has come on loads in her first year at school, but unfortunately her comprehension hasn't caught up with it, so I feel that the gap between the two has expanded.

But there is good news, her sports day was sort of non-competitive this year, and all the kids got different medals depending on how many points they'd gained during PE sessions. Pippi got a proper medal, and insists on wearing it at all times!!  I got a photo of her in mid-air giving a high five to her relay partner, hair blowing in the wind...

Good times!

DON'T tell me not to worry!

So... my new counsellor made me really mad yesterday. She pointed out that my diagnosis (or not) of Aspergers is not the main issue, as I come across as normal, in comparison with the rest of the flawed public out there.

I think she doesn't want me to obsess over the Aspergers. She may well have a point - see all previous blog posts. But that's where I'm at right now, and telling me to get past it is kind of missing the point.

It's not willingly that I'm undergoing this big reassessment of my personal history, my daily behaviour, my adequacy as a parent (see next blog post). It's like a compulsion I suppose. I'm an analytical person anyway, that's just how my brain works. If something changes the entire way I have seen myself for my whole lifetime, then I'm going to have to spend some time working it all out. Let's call it a hobby! (read 'special interest')

I suppose I do have a sensitivity around the whole self-diagnosis thing, it's the first time I've told a professional about this. It's the first time that I've thought that getting a diagnosis might actually be useful. Her point was that I need to find ways to manage the real anxiety that I'm feeling, which is clearly true. Rather than ratchet up the anxiety worrying about my Aspergian nature. Let's face it, she doesn't know me very well yet.

Was there ever anything less useful than being told 'Don't worry'?

Stimming - Does it really work?

So... I have been reflecting on stimming, as I am trying to figure out what to do about my own troublesome stims.

I clench my teeth in time with my pulse. There. I said it. I've never told anybody that before. I may have mentioned the clenching thing to my dentist, who was not surprised, given the fact that I was seeing him with TMJ - a jaw problem, caused by nighttime grinding and daytime clenching.

It increases along with my anxiety, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I have seen people posting about how trying to prevent children from stimming only makes it worse, or drives it underground. I know that I had various stims as a child, some of which drove my mum crazy, and she banned me from doing them. Although looking back, some of them might have looked more like OCD than stimming, and that makes me wonder what the actual difference between the two. If we're all agreed that both OCD and stimming have anxiety as their cause, then maybe they are both different manifestations of the same thing?

I do see Lucas displaying particular behaviours when he's anxious, he walks along, and every other step he kicks his bottom with his right foot. He can do that for hours in the playground. He also sometimes tips his head over to the side and just leaves it there, and also makes a throaty noise when watching favourite TV programmes, or eating favourite food. Again, not sure whether we are in the realm of tics, stims or OCD here. Or whether it really matters what we call it!!

I went underground with my stims, which are all invisible now. There's the jaw-clenching/tooth-tapping one, then there's the one with my fingers, where I tap them against something in time with my pulse, but out of sight. The teeth one has definitely become unconscious, I have difficulty in stopping it now, although it causes me agonising jaw pain if I get too anxious. I have tried to decrease it by switching to my finger stim when I notice it, but I can't maintain that for long before I return to the unconscious teeth one.

When I consciously try to stop the teeth-tapping, I notice immediate sensations of rising anxiety, so I know that it is working to keep the anxiety suppressed. I guess the problem is that as the anxiety levels rise, so does the damage to my jaw as my body carries out its long-learned suppression technique.

Does it work? I think that the stimming channels my anxiety, and gives me an outlet, allowing a physical release of my anxious feelings. But I think that once it becomes systematic, and unconscious, it only serves to mask and disguise my anxiety levels, until they become intolerable. I suppose it's a type of coping mechanism, but I wouldn't characterise it as helpful.

Maybe it's like self-harming, a learned coping mechanism that can get out of control. As part of my Aspergian self-inventory, I need to decide if I really want to break the habit of a lifetime.

Marriage under pressure - dealing with autism

So... we've been going to the NAS Early Bird Plus course for the last few weeks, I just wanted to let people know how we're getting on.

Out of me and my husband, we have adopted opposite approaches to our kids being diagnosed. I have gone into research hyper-drive (natural aspie response!) and he has opted for the classic NT male 'let's ignore it and pretend it isn't happening' response. It's been a year now, and I try not to get angry with him, and I never beat him over the head with my research, but we are on very different pages. He's still a brilliant and intuitive Dad, and loves our two little conundrums to pieces! So I can't get mad with him too often (just sometimes).

We finally managed to get onto the Early Bird course, and I was so thrilled, as I thought this would be an opportunity for him to ingest some information about autism. I'm not so sure that's what happening though. I'm really enjoying it, getting to know Pippa's Teaching Assistant, (who is not allowed to talk to us at school, all communication has to go through the Teacher.) It's been an excellent opportunity to exchange our experiences of Pippa and Lucas, with other parents/TAs who have had similar experiences. And it's great to be given strategies to use in understanding our kids better, and how best to interact with them.

Some of the most basic advice, is to reduce/simplify language, and give them time to process language before expecting a response. Both of these are really useful, and I'm trying to put them into action on a daily basis now. I haven't noticed my husband using either yet, but I'm ever (idiotically) optimistic. He's still on defensive mode in the classes, 'there's nothing wrong with my kids' kind of attitude, although that's not what he's saying on the surface. I'm not interested in challenging his emotional shit around this, I have my own emotional shit to deal with (see previous post), and I can't be a counsellor for him.

We've been together nearly 20 years, and just having stayed together that long is a strength in itself, I guess you could call it inertia! That's part of the joy of marriage (irony). But it also means that our conversations can be very short and still cover massive amounts, we have verbal shortcuts, when talking about emotions, I have learned the hard way that he can't do long chats about feelings (his or mine), so I have to restrict myself to saying what I want to say, then shutting up (excellent marital tip). Then I give him a couple of days, then I ask him what he thinks, and listen to the answer. (more excellent marital advice! lol)

Anyway, it didn't start out as an essay on communication in marriage, but that's where I ended up! It suddenly occurs to me that I've been applying the Early Bird communication advice in my marriage for years. Hmmm, maybe he's not as NT as I thought. I would be the last one to know...

Need to get back to Aspienormal...

So...I'm back in counselling, spent an hour going through my mental health history, not such a pleasant experience. Especially the fact that it took a whole hour! She did seem impressed however that I had spent 2 years with a Jungian therapist. I guess there's hierarchies in counselling too. (Lol).

It's weird starting in that relationship thing again with a new counsellor. Let me see, this will be number 4. Number 3 was a total bust. Number 2 was great, but as I was pregnant at the time, didn't want me delving too deeply into very painful early history. Number 1 was my lovely Jungian therapist, who did a lot of hard work with me, particularly on my alexythemia.

Therapist number 4 seems nice so far, but I felt embarrassed at my extensive history, and myriad personal issues. It's not easy to open up so far so fast with a new person, it's a bit like being opened with a rusty can-opener.  Leaves jagged edges.

Back there again on Thursday, chance to have a bit of a more relaxed chat hopefully, talk about some more recent stuff. I do kind of like counselling, the feeling when you've finished that you've done some useful work. But it doesn't seem to come round fast enough, seems like a long wait between appointments. This time it's taken months to organise access to some free counselling, been trying to set this up since last October.

In the meantime the anxiety levels have been steadily rising, all the familiar symptoms, teeth-grinding at night, jaw-clenching during the day, no control over either. Meltdowns at home. Anxiety attacks just started last week. At least I know what they are now. Obsessive behaviours, TV watching etc, to hide from the stuff that's going on. Inability to switch off from work, or relax. Unwillingness to be around family, (maybe that's them as well as me!)

There has to come a time where you put yourself out there and really try to get yourself back on track. I need to be functioning at a vaguely normal level allowing for my Aspie nature.

My kids and my husband need me to be aspienormal again.

Social Overload and Downtime

So... I'm having my first day off in 12 days, it's very nice. Actually I just realised I spent 4 hours this morning studying, so not so much of a day off. I guess I've reprogrammed my expectations since starting the course.

I still feel guilty when I need time for myself. Since my self-diagnosis I've been giving myself a bit of a break, as I finally realise what the things are that I'm having trouble coping with, and why I seem to need more 'doing nothing' time than other people to recover from my normal week or whatever else I've got going on.

But I do wonder, now that I'm more settled and at peace with myself, I seem to be able to get by with less of my 'downtime'. Is that because before, I was anxious all the time, and depressed some of the time, which would explain the drive I had to hole up in bed for an entire weekend, incapable of dealing with anybody or anything. Or was it just overload?

It's really hard to figure out what was going on in your emotional past, you can't touch it, and those kinds of memories are so unreliable.  I know that I've had and managed with less downtime since I had the kids, because they give me a reason to be more up, give me motivation to do stuff, and anyway, they don't really let me sit down and do nothing for long!

I do know that in my '20s I would frequently have spent whole weekends in bed, talking to nobody, with  phantom 'flu' or whatever else I felt like telling people. I varied between hyper-social and utterly unable to bear human company, mixed in with mostly normal functioning at work.

Has anybody else experienced this kind of social overload?

How big a radical am I really?

So... tired but happy, been complaining on Twitter about my job, but I really am so lucky to be doing what I'm doing. There were 20 people who got turned down for my place on this course.

I have had some amazing opportunities over the last few days to remember exactly why I made the decision to study midwifery over 3 years ago, turning our family life upside down in the process! I was at an amazing home birth the other day, which just warmed my soul, and I got to look after one of my friends in labour this week as well, which was a really special experience. I felt needed and able to meet some of her needs at that very vulnerable time. She was looking to me for support, even though I was keeping out of the way of the REAL midwives! She asked me to explain stuff they'd said when they were doing other things, and I know she appreciated having me there. It was the first time I'd properly communicated with a woman in labour, and it was fantastic, being able to explain to her what was going on in her body, and reassuring her.

It was very instructive to see some of the things that midwives do that they think help the woman. The whole directed pushing thing is quite cruel. I think that they made her feel she was doing it wrong, and that there was a deadline she wasn't going to meet. Chanting 'Keep it coming, keep it coming, keep it coming' about a hundred times. But the baby came and was fine in the end - yay! So happy for her.

I suppose what's the most interesting thing for me, with my 'systems focus' is how hard it is to change the way people do things in an organisation the size of the NHS. Directed pushing has been discredited and proven to be counter-productive through serious research. But many midwives are still enthusiastically practicing it - just watch 'One Born Every Minute' for proof.

As a student midwife, it's my responsibility to challenge poor practice when I see it. I'm quite a radical when I see something being done badly, I want to change it, and I've put a lot of energy into campaigning for better maternity services in the past. But it is a totally different thing to swim against the tide in the enormous NHS. As an Aspie, I'm already swimming against the tide by being in a 'caring' role at all. How willing am I to engage with the many things that could be improved in the way we treat women in labour? Can I risk upsetting my senior midwife colleagues with my opinions? Am I going to put my chances of getting a job here when I qualify on the line?

Watch this space...

Aspie mum of aspie kids - does it make it easier?

So... just to say up front, I'm not competing for who's got it worst or easiest! That seems to be kind of pointless. But today was the first time that it occurred to me that it might actually be an advantage to have Aspergers if you have kids who are aspies too.

I know every mum gets that feeling sometimes that only they truly understand their child, and nobody else will really 'get' them in the same way. It's why mothers in law have such a bad reputation! I was just thinking today about the ways in which I empathise with Lucas and Pippi. My daughter is 6, but she has significant language delays, and since she started school it's been really hard to know what's going on there, and how she is dealing with it. She doesn't have anything like the language to tell us anything about what happens during the day. We might hear a sentence about one or other child, rarely the same one twice.

She's started wetting the bed lately, despite being dry for the last 3 years, and she's been getting really upset over small things, and then telling us tantalisingly incoherent stories about things that have upset her in school. I feel for her, it's so hard to see her suffering and not to know exactly what's affecting her.

I remember my own experiences of primary school. I'm sure that I was happy a lot of the time, but I remember clearly being different from the other kids, and not understanding what it was about me that was causing problems. Even at that age, the other girls had comparatively sophisticated social understanding that I was completely lacking. I spent most of the time back then either reading, thinking about my favourite books, or imagining myself in my favourite books. I did the academic work in double quick time, with the aim of being allowed to read for the rest of the lesson. I was very quiet, and nervous of the other kids.

But Pippi isn't like that. When I see her around her school friends, she is boisterous, and full of life, jumping around, talking nonsense. She seems to fit in just fine, but then I hear one of them calling her a 'baby', and I know that they have noticed that she doesn't talk like they do, or understand the complexities of their game playing. I suspect that she is starting to feel different from them.

But does my own experience make it easier? Can I find a way to use it to help her? I suppose the answer right now is, I don't know. I think that the emotional side of things is key. I want her to grow up to be a well-adjusted, happy aspie, with a grounded knowledge of what she is capable of, given the right support.  Realistically, all I can do at the moment, is to keep the school posted about things at home, keep those lines of communication open. And prioritise Pippi's emotional wellbeing, make her feel safe, listen to her when she's upset, convey to her that her feelings are important, and she is valued, loved and understood.

Extra cuddles. That I can do.

Therapy works?

So... some people say that talking therapies are not appropriate for people with autism, and can in fact make their 'symptoms' much worse. Experts recommend Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, which is structured counselling, which focuses on desired outcomes, and strategies for attaining these.

Handling my emotions has always been difficult, I spent quite a few years in therapy, before realising I had Asperger's Syndrome. I started out with Jungian therapy (think Woody Allen!) which was a lot of me talking, and a lot of questions from my therapist. This was useful in coming to understand some of my feelings around being adopted (more about this on a later blog). I can't remember what my therapist looked like, as I never looked at her while I was talking. The stuff we were dealing with was too painful.

I stopped this therapy after 2 years of going every week (and crying for an hour afterwards), and at the end of this period, I at least was able to name all the emotions I was carrying around. Prior to therapy, I was emotionally illiterate, and never understood what I was feeling, or how I was projecting it outwards.

I ended up back in therapy as soon as I became pregnant for the first time. Even though this was planned, and I was 35, I thought I was going crazy. The hormones along with quite a lot of unresolved stuff around my mothers (natural and adoptive) and my own fear of being a bad mother, sent me quite doolally for a while. This time I went for more structured counselling, I wasn't able for the delving into deep-seated and ancient feelings of loss while I was pregnant. Counselling was very helpful, and I was able to put some stuff in the places it belonged, and leave it there permanently.

My son is currently partaking of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, and it is really helping him to manage his anxiety, but then he has had me to help him with identifying and accepting his difficult emotions since he was tiny, this has been an important role for me since always.

When I finished my last counselling session I felt like a bit of a fraud, because there was something about me that I wasn't managing to communicate, that I was too afraid to voice. Stuff about how I related to people, even my own family. Stuff about my constantly changing obsessive interests, and how everybody in my life took a back seat to them. Stuff about just being generally weird and having to DIAL IT DOWN around other people all the time. I was too ashamed to bring any of that stuff up, and I didn't have the words for it, or any way to communicate any of this as a total experience.

I didn't have the word Asperger's.  What a great word.

Undiagnosed aspergirls

So... I do sometimes wonder about some of the people around me, who display some autistic tendencies. I know that there must be significant numbers of undiagnosed autistic women my age walking around, who have no idea why they have difficulties sometimes getting on with their peers, or why they get in trouble for being too outspoken at work.

I can think of two women I've met in the last 6 months who I've seen getting themselves in trouble. Both of them don't seem able to stop themselves from saying things they really shouldn't have said, when they thought they were being humorous.

It raises a lot of sympathetic feelings to see somebody doing that, because I know the slightly lost feeling when you let yourself go, thinking that you're belonging in a group, then suddenly it all goes wrong, and you know you did something wrong, but you don't know what or why you did it. Worse still is when you go on your merry way, thinking everything is hunky-dory and as soon as you've gone, everything falls apart, and you only hear about it hours or days later, when it's too late to fix it, or explain anything, and you're the baddy.

I see that lost, hurt, uncomprehending look on their faces, and I want to help. I remember some of the things that people have said to me and about me over the years,

"You do know you come across as quite aggressive?" (age 19)
"She's over there crying her eyes out, while you're over here partying." (age 30)
"You're very masculine aren't you." (age 42)
"so now you're writing a novel! I never know what you're going to come up with next." (age 43)

These are all branded on my soul, along with many others similar. Not knowing why things were going so badly wrong was so much worse than knowing. I wish I could fix it for those women, or at least explain to them that they're not alone. If this blog reaches one such woman and helps her to understand herself a little better, that will be more than enough reason to write it!

With thanks to Rudy Simone, for having the courage to write such an amazing book, that tells it how it really is, and helps Aspergirls to reflect on their lives.

Bieber couldn't be better (lol)

So... dragged by Lucas, my aspie son, to see Justin Bieber in Manchester last night, not really my choice of a night out, but I've found that encouraging any kind of special interest can have unexpected payoffs.

Lucas was popping some bieber-style moves, singing along at the top of his voice, and totally having the time of his life! Since this interest in Bieber started, he has shown an interest in the guitars we have always had around the place, and has even picked up the half-size one, and started trying out different ways to get a sound out of it. I think he is finally going to take up dh's offer of teaching him guitar. He's also secured a promise of a set of drums on his birthday!

I know there's a lot of music snobbery around, and a lot of people would look down on Bieber and other teen pop types, (including dh) but we were both so thrilled that Lucas was taking a serious interest in his own choice of music, up until now, he's mostly listened to music that we have put on his iPod, upbeat stuff selected from our own back catalogue mainly, some Beatles/Kinks tracks, ABBA, Simply Red, all kinds of random stuff. But this is the first time he's chosen something for himself, he requested the album for Christmas. I'm so thrilled that he's starting to appreciate music that speaks to him, and belongs to his generation. At his age, I didn't even know that pop music existed, as my parents only listened to classical music on occasion, and didn't approve of any kind of modern music.

I took some precautions, brought ear plugs, which he tried but didn't like, got there quite early to avoid any pre-gig stress, held hands the whole time we were wandering around so we didn't get separated, the crowds weren't too bad, there were always gaps, he went a bit quiet when we were waiting at the entrance, but I kept checking he was OK. We got a huge tub of popcorn which got him through the wait for the support acts to come on, and I explained all the things that were happening, the order the acts were going to come on, where the musicians would be on the stage, and what would happen at the end of Justin's set, the rules about encores! I think all that helped, and I noticed that while we were dancing, he was looking around to see exactly what other people were doing, so he could wave his arms in time with everybody else, and make all the right hand shapes (lol).

It was such a meaningful night for me to be able to bond with him over his first music crush, and take him to his first proper gig! We had lovely cuddles, he wrapped my arm round his head when the screaming got too loud for him, and we held hands and danced together most of the night (we were quite high up, I think he was afraid of falling down). Maybe it sounds too cutesy, but for a 9-year old boy to be so affectionate in public is pretty rare these days! Some of the girls around us thought he was really cute, with his baseball cap and bieber haircut!!

I love him so much, and I was so proud of him yesterday for trying something new and really scary for an Aspie, and doing it with flair!

Brain Filters

So... today I'm thinking about the stuff I really shouldn't say, but somehow by the time I realise it's a mistake, it's already left my mouth.

Does this ring any bells? The times that I have tend to screw up are in two main categories (what an aspie, categorising my social errors!!) First is when I'm very tired, or stressed, and my brain isn't working fast enough to stop me from saying stuff I should keep to myself.

Second is when I'm relaxed and enjoying myself, and I forget that I can't just say something funny and clever on the spur of the moment, because I end up hurting people's feelings.

Sometimes I do get away with it, and I do have a reputation for having a very dry sense of humour among those who know me well. Those who don't know me well often don't realise I'm joking.

The one time I never screw up verbally is with my kids, I know I can't use adult humour on them, even if my oldest is a sarcasm convert, they can't take it.

Don't dish it out if you can't take it...

So... I had a kind of appraisal meeting today, with my mentor. It mostly went well, she had a couple of comments on things I could improve, nothing major or unexpected. But...

She uses sarcasm a lot, which I struggled with initially, as it took me a while to figure out when she was joking. I had quite a few very embarrassed moments, as she pointed out my failings (this is my first placement). She does it in front of patients, putting down my skills in a jokey way, and sort of encouraging me to join in. I think it's a way for her to have a quick humourous bonding moment with some of the patients. I've educated myself on how and when she does it, so that I'm not taken by surprise, and have mostly just laughed, occasionally I have joined in a bit, mock-defending myself. That's all been fine. She has gained a reputation among former students as very hard work, and a bit of a b****. I imagine they didn't know how to take her sarcastic comments, and found them hurtful. I've tried very hard not to go down that road, and my focus has been on understanding her better. 

But, I made a jokey comment to her the other day in the office about her teaching style, in the spirit of the banter that she has encouraged, and although at the time, she took it as a joke, it was obvious today that she has taken it to heart, and spent quite a bit of time in my appraisal, defending herself from a joke that I never meant her to take seriously. She didn't actually say why she was explaining her learning style in depth, but it was fairly obvious. I didn't mention my original joke, as I didn't want to make things worse. 

Clearly she is quite sensitive, and this has played on her mind, and maybe the sarcasm is a defence mechanism for her. But has it not occurred to her that she is a healthcare professional with 20 years experience, and maybe all her little new students are less able to cope with her sarcasm than she with theirs? She is in a position of power over us after all. 

As an aspie, sarcasm is so difficult. I can join in with sarcastic banter a little, but I do get it wrong sometimes, and on occasion, I get too close to the bone, and this is obviously a case in point. I suppose the lesson is the same one I keep trying to internalise, SHUT UP! Not all the time, but don't do the banter thing. 

Aspie - In the Closet

So... in college today, everybody waiting to get their first set of results, major stress all over. I was trying not to get stressed, but when surrounded by all that anxiety - difficult not to join in.

Yesterday I had a very typical, for me, aspergian lapse of manners, there were two of us supposed to have a tutorial straight after work with our personal tutor, she arrived late, and asked if we had figured out who was going first. There was a pause, and my friend looked at me, I immediately jumped in and said "I'll go first, you can go first next time." Completely forgot that her husband works night shifts, and she had to leave early. Went straight into the tutorial, and came out to find her, coat on, face all red, obviously upset. That was the point at which I realised I had screwed up. Apologised in person briefly, and by text later on, twice, and I think that we're OK.

I hate it when I get stuff like that wrong. That's when the word Disability starts looming in my mind. I feel quite helpless. Don't get me wrong, the vast majority of the time, I pass as Normal/Neurotypical, although people think I'm eccentric, they see me as clever, and articulate. I got voted in as class rep on my Nursing course, not my idea at all.  I have been consciously trying to keep a low profile, as I am suddenly aware that doing this course could seriously expose my social deficits. I try not to talk too much in classes, not to answer all the questions I know the answer to, just a proportionate number, like everybody else. I consciously ask other people how they are coping with the stress, and I have banned myself from indulging in special interest monologues. (I don't always manage it, but I have cut down a Lot.)

I've been reading the posts on Social Rules on Wrong Planet, and it's really interesting and helpful. I can see from the posts that lots of us aspies are social anthropologists, learning social rules through observation and bitter experience of getting it wrong. And some people are asking 'should we be doing this?' Should we be trying to pass as N/T? Shouldn't we be proud of being Aspie?

I only have my own answer to that, which is a huge fudge. I am proud to be Aspie at home, and I am totally proud of my Aspie kids, and very public about their status. But when it comes to my new career, I am afraid that if I 'come out', I will be subject to prejudices around my ability to be empathetic, or read body language. In fact, I have had years of experience of watching body language very closely, until my conscious readings are usually as accurate as those of an intuitive N/T. While I don't see any issue in becoming a nurse, I suspect that there may be many people in the NHS who would be very quick to say that my disability disqualifies me from working in that role.

What do other people think about this? Should aspies be working in 'caring' professions? Should we be 'in the closet' at work?

Self-diagnosis

I've been reading quite a bit of stuff about self-diagnosis, and criticism of people who have identified themselves as self-diagnosed with Aspergers. I think I'm giving myself a free pass on this one, as both my kids are officially diagnosed, and I'm very similar in so many ways to them. I think that part of the problem is that there are many people are out there who don't really know that much about autism, but because they've been hearing about it in the media for years, they believe themselves to be well-informed.

And of course the internet allows people to say anything at all to anybody at all. But social conventions are there for a reason. Take the brakes off, and you're going to have a crash. Some of the people who are spending a lot of time posting on the internet are not people I would want to talk to about these issues in real life. For me, getting on the internet is about sharing my experiences with people who understand me, and possibly clarifying some things for people who are interested, as well as getting more information on how to help myself and how to help my kids, without getting overwhelmed and trying to do it all at once!

Self-diagnosis is not a big deal. Diagnosis wasn't available when I was a kid, and really wouldn't add anything to my life right now. I already have coping strategies well-established, and I'm now consciously reviewing those. Official diagnosis for me wouldn't really add anything to my life or my understanding of who I am. That happened after my kids were diagnosed, as I gradually began to recognise my and their autistic traits more or less simultaneously. It was very freeing, and I am so much happier now than I ever have been. Being able to understand what's going on in my head, and why I react to certain situations the way I do, has been truly a revelation, and has empowered me.